5/18/13
I'm invariably awkward around people. Sometimes it concerns me, to be honest. And perhaps that's the source of the awkwardness. I guess its the universal desire for acceptance that's to blame. If I'm talking to a person I've known for years, someone I feel super comfortable with, the words just flow out. I'm not making excuses for who I am, I'm not analyzing your every glance for possible dissatisfaction, I'm just chatting. And it's wonderful. But if I don't know you as well, or if I feel that you've judged negatively in the past, I can barely get the words out. They come in a waterfall of frantic phrases, poorly thought-out, or in sporadic bursts of meaningless words. Then I just shut up, as if I remain silent for a while, you'll have forgotten what I've said. I realized this year that the reason is because I'm afraid. Rationally, lying in my bed at night, I don't particularly care what anyone thinks about me. I know that I'm trying my best to be a good, kind person- and that I'm not much worse (or much better) than anybody else. That I don't deserve rejection. But I guess beneath that there is the irrational fear of my heart. What if I was made in such a fundamentally strange way that only a few people will ever understand what I'm talking about? And what if everyone who truly understands me, and loves me, dies in a tragic bus accident? Then I'll have to be alone, sputtering my way through conversations for the rest of my life, only talking to my fat grumpy cat Cheesepuff (and I don't even like cats) and publishing a terrible books about rainbows as I grow increasingly spastic and lumpy.
You, my reader, are probably very concerned about me right now. If you aren't, that's ok. But I just want to let you know that I had a perfectly good day today, and nothing particularly awkward happened. I'm sitting content in my room, after eating some chips and watching a Harry Potter movie in Oxford with a group of fellow study abroad students. I guess its just being in a different place, physically removed from all your former connections, brings out both your strengths and weaknesses. I am very good at giving tourists directions to random places in a city I've only lived in for five days. (And on that note, I'm never living in city with tourism..) I'm bad at forming deep connections (or even modest connections) quickly or without a large amount of social awkwardness. I think this is the reason I avoid large social events like the plague. Everyone else : "Do you want to come to this really cool party on a boat that goes down the Thames in London?" Me: "Oh, thank you so much for inviting me, but I think I'll pass. Next time for sure!" Me (in my head): "Why is that fun? You want me to go all the way to London with you people so I can feel incredibly self-conscious for hours and then end up taking care of drunk people?" (And my inner voice was right about the latter... apparently the some of them do not remember the Friday night boat party. Perhaps it still would have been fun. I really don't know though.) I don't think I'd go to any social event at all (aka a gathering with more than 3 people I know very well) without Kathleen's influence. I think this is why God blessed me with such an amazingly sociable sister. Unlike a lot of sisters I've heard of, she has consistently and without fail included me in any social group she's been a part of. I think this is why I can communicate at all with normal people. This is also how I've become connected with a wonderful group of people, a few of which I consider lifetime friends.
Anyhow, if you are still reading this little sappy except about my sensitive soul, I could tell you about what I actually did today. I went to New College, ate some lunch, did a little exploring, went to the library. Read a bunch of books, went running, answered some emails, talked to Zach, ate dinner, watched HP, and now am writing this. Done. It was a great day, and my run through the park was beautiful! 60 degrees with shade and slight wind.
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